July 20, 2007
I was looking at that again, though only briefly, as I was thinking once again about my life in the future. You see, in the next year or two I expect a major transition (moving) will affect me, but then after that I have nothing to look forward, explicitly, for the next thirty-five years or more. I don't mean that I won't look forward to many day-to-day activities, but that there won't be further major changes to prepare for or expect. At least at this point. That has me kind of weirded-out. And thus that gets me back into my historical pattern of periodically thinking: "what do I want to be doing in 5 years time?"
It is likely that I am already in a field that is perfect for my temperament and abilities. Yet it is completely unsatisfying to work in a field where I am contributing nothing positive to humanity. Sure, there are some programming jobs out there that give that kind of opportunity — but I despair of getting one.
Perhaps part of this very-slight melancholia is continuing disappointment that physics didn't work out. Disappointment in myself that I wasn't able to do better (I don't take failure well).
I manage to do some things outside of work that feel like positive contributions, but my motivation and passion lie in doing much more than a few hours a week. Spending most of my waking hours as a cog in this big capitalistic system is kind of gross. Makes me feel a bit polluted… but really, on a physical day-to-day level, it's not like going to work makes me feel nauseous. Still, I think about this at least for a few minutes just about every day.